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The Parents’ Guide to Staying Sane During Quarantine

Parents are getting hit hard during the worldwide coronavirus outbreak. Most are stuck trying to “work” from home, usually while having kids home from school all day and worrying about aging parents who may need assistance. On top of it all, your favorite relaxation stations are probably shuttered for the next few months—gyms, theatres, sports, even restaurants and bars are becoming less of a home-away-from-home. So how can you maintain your sanity? Here are some tips from your trusted psychologist in Littleton.

Establish a New Routine, but…

While a week off to do nothing and have no plans sounds great if you’re visiting a beach, a week off at home to do nothing and to have all your plans flop around like fish out of water sounds awful! Even if you hate your “daily grind,” the familiar routine benefits you by reducing the number of decisions you have to make at any given moment. Without these constraints, you may find yourself working away until midnight, becoming unproductive, or just feeling constantly overwhelmed. Find your home rhythm and set clear times for work, meals, and family time, just like you would during a busy work week. If you are struggling with lack of work like many Americans, find your new routine—maybe this is the perfect time to help Junior memorize those multiplication tables, or finally tackle that pantry organization project. Setting a clear routine makes your life more predictable and manageable.

… Stay Flexible

At the same time, stay flexible. You can’t do everything, and that’s okay. Maybe some days you don’t put on your work clothes and “log in” by 9 a.m. Maybe you have “the blahs” and cuddle with the kids watching cartoons all day. With all the drawbacks we are facing, the least we can do is find some good in it! Similarly, cut your kids a break. They are more likely to express fear and anxiety through clinging, whining, and pestering, as well as “forgetting” all the basic rules. Show them you support them  through these difficult times.

Say “NO!”

If there are things that feel out of your control, or that you just can’t handle, feel free to say “no.” Setting strong boundaries is important, especially when times are tough, and can help you and your family stay safe. Start by saying “no” to requests to be out and about where you could be sick, and escalate to turning down extra responsibilities that you cannot handle. Prioritize your family and your mental health. Set clear limits, even with your children, because however you set the stage now will likely continue to play out for the next few weeks.

Encourage Independence and Value Alone Time

If your children are school-aged or older, they can entertain themselves for some time. They may argue otherwise, but your job is not to be the village entertainment. Set your child up with independent activities like viewing a favorite show, coloring, reading a book, or playing with toys, and go do what you need to do. This gives you time to decompress, and time to spend with your partner.  

Life will eventually return to normal, but until then, we all need to support ourselves and one another. If you find yourself needing someone outside of the house to talk to, do not hesitate to contact your Littleton psychologist. Set up a telehealth session, or visit in-person in our frequently-sanitized office.

 

 

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5 ways to help your child while they are stuck at home with online schooling.

We all need to work together as families and communities to deal with the current situation, social distancing, and risk of illness.  Here are some ideas for how to be successful with your kids for online schooling.

 

  • Have a consistent sleep schedule

 

Make a consistent bedtime every school night and wake up time in the morning. This is not only important for younger kids but for teens. (maybe it’s a bit later since kids don’t have to be at school so early. Have the kids take a shower, brush their teeth, have a healthy breakfast and get ready for the day.

 

  • Develop a plan for your school schedule

 

Develop a school schedule that allows your kids to remain focused and not get distracted. Perhaps, 9-10am School, 10-1030am, go outside and take a break. 10:30-11:30, school.  Lunch.  Quiet activity or something outside.    Any remaining school.

 

  • Create a distraction free environment

 

Have a computer/ Chromebook set up in such a way that your kids won’t get distracted easily.  Maybe create a quiet workspace.  Perhaps a kitchen table, office set up could be helpful.  Try to turn off on your wifi YouTube and other game sites during school times that could distract your kids.  Be mindful of distractions such as TV, kitchen noises, iPad/ phones. Have kids charge their devices away from their learning areas.  They can’t use their phones during classes at school, they should not have them during classes at home. (some exceptions may apply: such as a group chat for a high school class).

 

  • Get your kids more active

 

Encourage dog walks, shooting hoops, kicking a soccer ball, a short run.  Get outside with your kids. You have a unique opportunity to actually spend more time with them as most of us can’t go to work. Consider it a gift.

 

  • Incentivize getting things done

 

If your kids can do some of their work independently, they are showing great maturity and responsibility.  Their good choices are allowing you to do your work.  Track this on a chart or contract with your kids.(visual).

 

Maybe have a movie night on Friday (at home), grab some ice cream and have an ice cream sundae party.  Have a family game night.  Go for a hike, family bike ride, snowshoe excursion, fishing, make some fresh cookies with them.  Find ways to keep your kids happy, motivated and allow for some opportunities for them to help you and your family.

 

Finally, allow for some more creativity and flexibility in your approach to your kids and home routines.  Maybe some more online (with friends) gaming is allowed at this time. (not too much).  Maybe we can do some more with skype, facetime, webcams to communicate with our friends and families.  Take out those old board games, Legos, and books. Be kind to others.

If I can be of support to your kids or to you as parents during this difficult time, I am available still for face to face meetings in a quiet and safe set up and also am offering virtual (telehealth) therapy.

Dr. Steven Lazarus

You can click here to find out more about Dr. Steven Lazarus, child psychologist

 

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Information for families to help cope with Covid-19

I am putting together a list of resources and good articles to help families with our current situation. Jefferson County just issued a “stay-at-home” order until 4/17/2020.

Dr. Steven Lazarus

 

How to Explain Coronavirus to an Anxious Child

The importance of positive routines

“We Live in the Upside Down Now.” COVID-19 Meets ADHD.
“How am I supposed to manage all these people, plus myself, while we exist through this unprecedented, mostly-home-bound, wacky time?”
“Good enough” is good enough is a start →

Clinical Nutrition Center Treatment Center: Treatment and News

Dr. Lazarus is currently offering live virtual (telehealth) visits for those who are unable to visit in the office.

Click here for more information

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Learning the Language of Love for Your Relationship

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many people are wondering how to best show their love for their partner! While some discount this as a silly, commercialized holiday, couples therapists in Highlands Ranch know that sometimes you need a little reminder to express your love to your significant other! One of the hot topics that many people are learning about today is the idea of “love language.” Based on Gary Chapman’s book, “Discover Your Love Language,” this idea breaks down the way that communication affects our love. Read on to find out the basics of the 5 love languages and why they are important!

What are the Love Languages?

  1. Words of affirmation. If this is your language, you are always the one to say “I love you,” to leave sweet notes for your partner, or to write long, heartfelt messages inside of cards. You give good, constructive praise and share your appreciation.
  2. Acts of service. You feel that actions speak louder than words, and find yourself thinking “I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow… if that’s not love, what is!” (lyrics source: Fiddler on the Roof).
  3. Gifts. From a luxury vacation to a pretty rock found on the beach, if your love language is gifts, you love receiving and gifting. This isn’t about money—it’s about the thought put in and the physical reminder of love.
  4. Quality time. In today’s attention-grabbing world, this one can be hard to get. If you love quality time, you value those deep conversations, quiet moments spent appreciating nature, or long, rambling drives to nowhere. Get better at this language by learning and practicing active listening skills!
  5. Touch. For some, physical touch can be the deal breaker. You are the person who loves hugs, gestures with your hands and often touches others, and gets more out of a massage than relaxed muscles.

Why Does it Matter?

The concept of love languages has been expanded from romantic partners to all sorts of settings, including parenting, workplace communication, and even self-love. So why does it matter how one wants to receive love? There is no one way to love, and no way that is “better” than any other. However, by understanding what “language” your partner speaks (and what “language” you speak!), you can better meet those needs. This may require you to go out of your comfort zone, but can show your partner that you really care. There are plenty of free quizzes online to help you figure out your love language, and keep in mind, you can have multiple! Try taking one together with your partner and comparing results for a lighthearted bonding activity, or challenge each other to expand out to other languages. If you need help getting started, or find you can’t communicate effectively, don’t hesitate to contact an expert relationship psychologist in Highlands Ranch for more help!

Dr. Steven Lazarus, Couples Therapist

 

 

 

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Beat Bullying Blues With These Tips

As long as there have been people, there has been bullying. But just like our other methods of social communication change over time, bullying has evolved to meet today’s needs—moving today’s bully off the playground and onto your child’s smartphone. Many parents find themselves seeking a teenage psychologist to help their child work through bullying issues. No matter what sort of bullying your child is facing, these expert tips can help!
Teasing vs. Bullying
One of the most important things to help young children understand is the difference between teasing (which can be fun, cruel, or somewhere in-between) and bullying. Bullying is a pattern of repeated behavior that puts one person below the other. On the other hand, best friends who tease each other equally about silly comments, questionable fashion, or daily events are usually exploring the healthy boundaries of a relationship. Help your child by asking questions such as “were you laughing when your friend was teasing you, or did it really hurt your feelings?” or “does your friend let you tease him that way?” Keep in mind that bullying is not always active; excluding and shunning others, such as today’s “cancel culture” is devastating for social wellness.
The Bystander Effect
Repeated research has shown that, while kids can stand up for themselves and be assertive to bullies, it doesn’t always work. In fact, even a well-planned, assertive request to stop bullying may cause more bullying! What works better is to turn the social situation against the bully. When a bystander intervenes, including the bully victim’s friends or even uninvolved peers, the bullying is less likely to occur. Bullies “feed” off of the victim’s fear, but also “feed” on the attention they get from others. If they get the message that their “cool” classmates think they are “uncool” because they are bullying, they are more likely to stop. Teach your child to stand up for others!
Don’t Feed the Trolls
Perhaps the most difficult tool to learn for fighting bullies, ignoring is often the best technique. No reaction = no fun, so the bully usually stops. However, your teen may not approve of this option—she doesn’t want to look weak or passive! Instead, try some distraction techniques. If a bully is criticizing your child’s clothing, instead of responding with frustration, encourage your child to give a compliment in return. So, the comment “your shirt is so stupid!” can be met with a simple “okay. I think your shirt is really cool. Where do you buy your clothes?” Most bullies will be so thrown by the unusual response that they will give up—eventually.
Stay Safe
For lower-level bullying, your child can arm herself with strong social skills and tools to cope, respond in ways that don’t increase the bullying, and seek the help of friends. A teenage psychologist or child psychologist in Littleton can help build advocacy skills. However, if your child is ever put in physical danger (hitting, choking, kicking), if he is feeling so harassed he is thinking about hurting himself or others, or if the bullying is sexual in nature, do not hesitate to get the proper authorities involved. This usually starts with the school and the other child’s parents. If you do not get a good response or feel your child continues to be in danger, you have the right to contact police for a more formal resolution—even if the bullying occurs in school.
Bullying isn’t just about playground fights. Help your child grow strong and confident to manage these challenges and feel respected, safe, and supported. For more help, don’t hesitate to contact Dr. Steve Lazarus!

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These Tools Build the Resolve You Need in the New Year

A new year, even a new decade is upon us! For many people, this seems like a perfect time to set goals, as if a turning calendar will magically make those decades-long goals seem possible. If you’ve tried to set goals in the past without much luck, don’t worry! Try these psychology-based skills to build your “resolution” to do whatever moves you most!

Have a Partner

Ask any preschooler if they want a friend to help, and most will say “yes!” This is because most tasks are easier with a partner, even if the partner cannot actually help. The role of social and emotional support, as well as accountability, is vital to achieving your goals. Sure, it can be nice if your best friend commits to going to the gym every day, or if your partner agrees that less TV and more quiet nights spent reading would be great, but even if your loved ones are pursuing different goals, you can still find ways to support one another. Spending time apart , but still thinking about one another, can help build positive feelings and commitment. If one person seeks to walk for an hour a day, and another seeks to read for an hour a day, these activities and celebrations of accomplishments can be done together to build positive mood. Even better, these tools can improve your relationship  with your partner!

Make it Routine

No matter what new habits you are trying to establish in 2020, make it a scheduled routine. Why? Because it makes it easier for your brain to switch to the task and actually get started. Set alarms if you need, post a visual calendar, but once you’ve built a routine for a few weeks, you’ll notice yourself actually missing your goal task!

Use Intention Cues

Intention cues are a great tool that psychologists in Highlands Ranch teach to children and adults alike. These cues serve as primers to get started on a task, and facilitate it getting done. For example, if you want to start your morning tech-free and with journal writing, plop that journal right down next to your toothbrush as a reminder. The phone, of course, should be banished to a drawer or other place where it can’t distract. Making clear intention routines (I will tidy up the living room immediately after dinner while my partner washes the dishes) will give even the least motivated person an internal reminder to get going again.

Just a Little…

If you’ve ever been stuck pushing a car stuck in ice and snow (and who hasn’t?), you know that the hardest part is getting it started. In fact, you can often get lucky and get rolling again after just one big push. Keep this metaphor in mind when you feel zero motivation! The hardest part of any task is getting it started, so try doing just a little and see how you feel. Not into sorting your old clothes for donation? You don’t have to do it all. Just do one piece of clothing, or set an alarm for two minutes and see how you feel after that. If you really still aren’t feeling it, give yourself a break! But often, just getting started will start that momentum and get you rolling again.

For little goals, these tips can be just what you need! However, if you’ve tried everything you know and are still struggling with lack of motivation, challenges in your marital relationship, or something else, don’t hesitate to call Dr. Steve Lazarus for expert psychological assistance.

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What Parents Need to Know about “Cancel Culture” in the New Year

If you haven’t heard of one thing (or a hundred others) getting “canceled” in 2019, get ready. The trend is only predicted to grow stronger in 2020! Unlike a few years ago, “canceling” isn’t just what a TV network does for an underperforming show, nor is it the end of a product line. Today, we don’t cancel things, we cancel people. Read on to find out more about the “cancel culture” and how it may be affecting your kids!

A Good Start

Today’s “cancel culture” grew out of a variety of great movements, including those to expose sexual abuse, racism, and political incorrectness. Most people are on board with cutting off attention to a poorly behaving sports player, sexually inappropriate celebrity, or others who are truly violating the rights of others. Many people, previously considered “too big” or “too important” to be subject to criminal charges in the past have been “canceled” in today’s world, showing the public opinion strongly.

A Wild Witch hunt

Like any good thing, cancel culture went a little overboard. Most people now have heard of media shows, politicians, or specific celebrities being “canceled,” and this cancellation is about more than their broadcast rights. Today’s “canceling” is more like the old tradition of shunning—an utter disregard and rejection of the person or entity who is deemed worthy of canceling. There is no “un-canceling”—in cancel culture, mistakes live forever. In private spaces, such as middle and high schools or social media venues, this is often identical to bullying, and heavy amounts of peer pressure  often cause even the kindest of teens to purposefully start excluding or “canceling” their peers, even for minor or pointless things such as saying an off-color comment or simply “not fitting in.”

How to Help Your Kids

Has your teen been “canceled” by bullies? Or, perhaps, are they the valiant leaders “canceling” all their friends? In any case, today’s children need a reminder to focus on empathy, forgiveness, and learning . Even if your child’s best friend said something truly awful, racist, or offensive, ask your child to consider if this has been consistent with their past behavior. If it isn’t a pattern, it may be a better opportunity to share insight and help one another grow. Likewise, if your child has been “canceled,” work make sure that he or she is still safe from bullying, up to and including working with the schools and the parents of the bullying children. Working with a skilled adolescent psychologist in Littleton can help to build self-esteem and communication skills that can prevent these sorts of problems.

Calling others out on their poor behaviors and helping them to recognize and change these behaviors is a worthy goal. Shunning, excluding, and “canceling” friends and family is a manipulative, hurtful tool. Help your child to see the difference and build stronger relationships.

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These Gifts Build Emotional Skills and Strong Relationships

The biggest gift-giving season of the year is upon us, and that makes many parents wonder “what are positive gifts to give my child this holiday season?” If you’re like the many parents who ask their trusted child psychologist in Littleton about the best ways to help your children grow and thrive, you may be seeking input on some great gift ideas. Check out some great toys and “tools” that can build stronger relationships and improve your child’s communication and emotional expression skills.

Games

Child and teenage psychologists know just how important a game can be in building up a relationship, starting a conversation about a hard topic, or just having fun. Whether your child is interested in classic board games, card games, or even digital games, make sure you pick something collaborative. Group games, role-playing games, and party games are great way to promote social skills and creativity.

Building Sets

Creativity, concentration, and exploration are top-needed skills for the next generation. Help your child develop these with building sets! The classic LEGO blocks are always fun, but don’t forget magnet connections, beads, slime, or anything else where you child gets to create a project and see it through. For the tech-savvy future engineer, digital building experiences can be just as innovative and inspiring!

Experience

For the kid who has too much “stuff,” try a gift of experience! This could be tickets to a movie they’ve been waiting to see, a visit to a skating rink or bowling alley, trip to an escape room, or anything else that captures their interest. For a relationship boost, participate in the experience with your child, or consider a gift to siblings, best friends, or others who could use a closer relationship. What to wrap? Have fun wrapping the tickets in the biggest box you can find, stuff them in a stocking, or including an accessory that tips your child off to the fun that is to come!

Journal

The humble journal, diary, notebook, or sketchbook has had a place in human history since we first put burnt sticks to cave walls. Writing out one’s thoughts and feelings can help to develop language skills, self-control, and reduce anxiety and depression, so start your kids early! For younger kids, it helps to share your own examples of what you write, and encourage both writing and drawing to express feelings.

Feeling prepare for the gift-giving season yet? Remember, even if they don’t seem to notice, the best gift you can give your child is love, attention, and positive parenting. Memories last forever and cost nothing to make!

 

 

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Try These Three Tips for Taming Thanksgiving Tension

Are you ready for the biggest family holiday season of the year? Thanksgiving is coming on the late side this year, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared well in advance! Many people seek couples therapy in Highlands Ranch right before the holiday season, asking their couples counselor questions such as “how can I deal with my mother in law?” “what is an appropriate way to set limits with the grandkids?” or even “how can I escape family Thanksgiving?” If you find yourself wondering these sorts of things, don’t worry—you can tame this Thanksgiving season with a few great strategies . Here are three top tips from your psychologist!

  1. Make plans, but leave them “loose.” One of the biggest challenges during the holiday season is what to do with everyone! Are you a family that loves to spend days in the kitchen preparing food? What about those who aren’t such great cooks? Are you dreading the family football game, where you will inevitably fall on your face? Having activities that suit everyone, or at least a few options, can reduce tension and make everyone more at ease. Try having at least two activities ready at any time, but keep things casual. Leave plenty of room to be flexible and have fun!
  2. Work through your limits and set boundaries accordingly. Boundaries and limits are for you, to make sure you have a good time. When you find yourself wondering “how can I stop this person from making me feel _________” and solving that problem, you have likely set a boundary. This may be for your own health (“sorry mom, I’m only having one slice of pie this year so I don’t feel sick later”) or to protect your loved ones (“sorry nephew, but my kids aren’t allowed to play inside of the oven because I don’t want them to burn up”), but no matter what, you must value your reason and make it clear to the other party why you need it. Don’t feel bad to ask for what you need! When you explain your boundaries to others in this way, they are more likely to be respected. For more help with boundaries, consider talking through challenging situations with your animal assisted therapist in Highlands Ranch, or check out a longer article on setting holiday boundaries.
  3. Find at least one good thing for every bad thing you notice. This is a great perspective-changing exercise, and can even be a fun family game if your family is full of “negative Nancys.” Instead of noticing that the turkey legs burnt and fell off, comment on the deliciously browned and crackly skin. Don’t linger on the watery cranberries, complement the host on the attractive decorations. When your 2-year-old niece launches into a full-out meltdown that makes your ears ring, thank your teens for not fighting with each other this year. This doesn’t mean that unpleasant things aren’t happening, but focusing your attention on the positive will improve your mood and that of others!

If these steps are not enough, or if the stress of the holidays is taking a toll on your marriage, consider working briefly with a couples counselor in Highlands Ranch. This Thanksgiving, enjoy a warm, friendly holiday and share this with others!

 

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Tricks, Treats, and Trauma: Triggers at Halloween

Not long after fall sets in, the season of spooky ghosts, fairy princesses, and undead ghouls and zombies comes to life! This is an exciting time of year for most kids, but for those who have survived trauma, it could be a little more than is desired. In this month’s blog, we’ll discuss the reasons why we love to be scared, what can be too scary, and how to handle the sights and frights in a positive way.
Fright is Fun!
When one thinks logically about it, Halloween, horror movies, and even dangerous sports like mountain climbing or cliff diving shouldn’t appeal to us—or our kids! Any good child psychologist in Littleton knows that these are things that make our hearts race, send a shiver down our backs, and mimic some of life’s biggest dangers: falling, losing to the elements, monsters, and worse! But kids, just like adults, are drawn to these things. The act of seeking out that excitement plays a role, but it also helps us to manage and deal with these feelings when they come up in real life. Humans play with all our emotions, from tear-jerking romances to action-packed superheroes, and fear is one of many!
When Scary is Too Scary
For some children (and adults!) these “fun” scares are not so fun. While many people associate this with very younger children, people of all ages can have experiences that can make horror a true fright. For example, children who have witnessed violence or graphic accidents may find that the prop blood used to stage many horror scenes is just too close to reality, or may not want to see or touch it. Children who have been abused may shy away from threatening figures, and for good reason—these behaviors keep them safe, both physically and emotionally.
How to Enjoy the Season
How can you enjoy the Halloween season and help your child to do the same? First, help your child to understand the fear and put it into words. Is your child simply afraid of all monsters? Try visiting an age-appropriate fun event, where the focus of the costume is to be cute or funny, not frightening. Make sure to check age recommendations at haunted houses or festivals, as many are designed for teens or older. If you know that something in particular triggers your child, work with a behavior therapist in Littleton on ways to stay calm and present during these triggers, or build strength by gently exposing him or her to the frightful event through play therapy. Teaching your child to repeat a mantra, such as “these are just costumes, the blood is just syrup and food coloring” can help to keep them focused. Make it clear that nothing is really going to harm them, and encourage them to have fun and master the fear by “being” the scary monster, including jumping out and yelling “boo” at mom and dad from behind corners.
If your child’s fear or trauma reaction is getting in the way of normal functioning, or if he or she is thinking about it very often, working with an experienced mental health therapist is your best option! Dr. Lazarus has helped many children to process trauma and emerge stronger than ever!