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Psychology’s Explosion into Common Language: Or, Why You Probably Don’t Have OCD

As people become more and more aware of mental health disorders and how these can affect their lives and the lives of their family and friends, many words that used to be limited to mental health offices are making their way into common language. While talking about mental health and creating awareness is important, this “common language” explosion of psychological terms can be a bit misleading, especially when people use the terms to mean something other than what the actual diagnosis means. When people seek out counseling in Highlands Ranch, they often come in wondering if they have common mental health disorders based on what they have seen in popular media or gleaned from friends. In a previous post, we’ve covered the differences between “depressed” and “Depression.”  This blog will review some of the most common terms that have “escaped” from the mental health field and made their way into everyday language, as well as how these words are different from the actual disorders they are similar to.

Anxiety. Everyone should feel anxious at some point. When a police officer pulls your car over, when you’re waiting in the dentist’s office for that big root canal, or when you’re interviewing for a competitive position, a little worry, stress, or heightened response is normal. Many experience anxiety, but for those with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the anxiety is more than a racing heartbeat before a big event. It’s feeling like that big event is constantly happening, no matter where you are, and feeling even higher levels of anxiety that make it hard to work or think.

OCD. From the formal Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD has crept into popular language to mean anyone who likes things overly tidy or whose standards don’t quite match those of others. For example, ask most teenagers about their parents’ opinions on cleaning, and you might hear some surprising answers. One teen laments “my mom has OCD—she expects me to wash the dishes every single day!” Similarly, some people will consider one little quirk or habit, say counting sidewalk cracks on long boring walks, to be “OCD.” While any of these little quirks could be part of the actual disorder, people who have OCD for real do more than just irk others for a minute or two; they spend hours and hours each day performing often senseless behaviors to reduce obsessive and awful thoughts.

ADD/ADHD. Losing your stride during a 12-hour movie marathon is not ADHD. Struggling to focus when you are reading a difficult and boring text is not ADHD. Fidgeting now and again is not ADHD. While all of these would also be things that a person with ADHD would show, remember that those who actually have this problem struggle to attend and focus on information all the time , including things they love, and often report feeling driven, scattered, and may struggle with processing speed, working memory, or other tasks.

As a rule, if your problem isn’t affecting you on a daily or near-daily basis, and if it isn’t causing disruption in your normal life, it isn’t usually a problem. We can’t perform 100% all the time, and variation is normal. For those who do struggle with these and other mental health issues, however, there is no variation: anxiety, obsessions, compulsions, and problems focusing are nonstop, disruptive, and debilitating at times. If this sounds like you, seek counseling in Littleton to find an effective diagnosis and treatment—your problems can get better! If you realize your occasional challenges are nowhere near “disorder” status, consider your language use to ensure we do not take away the power of these words as actual diagnoses.

 

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How Active Listening Builds Your Relationship with your Child

Many parents seek the assistance of a child behavior psychologist in Littleton to help with issues of anxiety, learning, attention, behavior, or mood. While many factors can affect these various issues, underlying it all is the relationship between the parent and the child. Is it strong enough to provide a safe base for the child to support his or her environment? Hardy enough to withstand trials, tantrums, and teenage years? Even those parents who are not seeing problems in their child’s academic performance or behavior often ask how they can build a closer relationship with their child. A great tool to improve your relationship with someone of any age is active listening.
What is active listening?
Active listening is a conversation tool that is similar to mindfulness, in that it asks the listener to give 100% of his or her attention to the speaker. Sounds easy, right? Don’t forget, this includes both obvious attention (not playing on the phone, washing dishes, looking over work), as well as mental attention (thinking about the shopping list, wondering if you had finished your task, wondering about the future). It involves not just listening, but demonstrating with your verbal and nonverbal communication styles that you are listening and that the speaker’s message is truly being heard.
How do I do it?
1. Check your environment. Are there distracters? Get rid of them! Phones are the biggest, but TV, movies, music, and household clutter can distract if you let it!
2. Check your body language. Remember how you were taught to give speeches as a child? Use this same method! Face your speaker, maintain eye contact, and keep an open posture—no turning your head away or crossing your arms over your chest.
3. Listen like you mean it. Listening does not include thinking of what you will say next. Listening does not involve making judgments or accusations. Listening does not include trying to “one-up” the speaker with another story. Just listen.
4. Check your understanding. To show your speaker that you are listening, and to make sure you heard it right, try summarizing what they just said back to you. This is a tool that play therapists in Littleton use to help children express their true feelings. You might find when you say “it sounds like you are really angry about that group project that you got a bad grade on” that your child will refine it, saying “I’m not angry about the project, I’m angry at my friend who didn’t try very hard. He let me down.” Your child will realize that you are listening and seeking to understand fully.
5. Reflect and respond. If you listen well, the last step is easy. Is your face mirroring the speaker’s emotions? Are you responding appropriately to needs? You don’t always need to “solve” or “answer” problems—just hearing them can be enough.
Why does it work?
Just like adults, children have big ideas and they need to be heard and listened to. Sharing these thoughts and feelings helps to process them, and knowing that someone truly understands it makes it easy to handle. Even better, when you practice this sort of active listening you can help your child to build social skills and communication skills that will make them a better listener in the future. For more tips on communicating effectively with your child, set up an appointment with Dr. Lazarus today!

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Why Limits Strengthen Your Relationship

Many couples come seeking couples therapy in Littleton with goals of getting closer and feeling the love they once felt in their relationship. So, when their couples therapist tells them each to set limits, it can be pretty confusing! However, limits are important for many reasons, and today we will review these reasons.

Limits Make You Consider Your Needs and Values

Just the process of setting limits is important, as it forces you to consider your needs and values. Do you value your hour of quiet time in the morning to reflect and revitalize? Do you need to get enough sleep at night to feel awake and productive the next day? When you start to set limits, you are asking yourself “how can I make my life better?” Of course, limits aren’t just about time or space—they can be limits on how you are treated or interacting with others.

Limits Battle Resentment

The challenge with resentment is that most people feel resentful when they have allowed others to walk all over them—even if the other person didn’t realize this was what was happening! Many people seek counseling in Highlands Ranch not only to change their relationship, but to change their feelings of resentment and frustration. Since nobody should be expected to be a mind-reader, setting limits makes these needs and values clear.

Distance Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder

If one partner wants to spend literally every moment together and the other is clawing for time alone, limits can be a good way to claim a little distance. Remind those you love that your limits help you to feel calmer, more present, and more loving to everyone in your life—so when you set limits, you are coming back to that relationship more engaged and active.

Ready to set effective limits today? Remember to start by looking inward, and if you need help making limits stick or navigating your relationship, consult with an expert in couples therapy today.

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Are You Making These Three Relationship Goal Mistakes?

As the New Year gets into its swing, many couples are setting goals and trying to accomplish them. Many clients have sought out couples therapy in Littleton to improve their relationship, interpersonal functioning, or something else. Even if you don’t need the help of a professional, consider these top mistakes that couples make when setting their relationship goals, as well as the tools to help make those better goals!

Mistake #1: Your goal includes someone else other than yourself.

If you have set a relationship goal such as “my parent will be….” or “my partner will change…” you’re in for a failure! One of the most important things that psychologists in Highlands Ranch know is that you can only change one person’s behavior: your own! If you want to see a change in your significant other’s behavior, you can set goals to help them, but you cannot force that change. Want to help your partner work toward a goal? Set your own goals and stick to them. Often, when one partner is more invested in change than the other, using strategies such as active listening can help.

Mistake #2: Your goal needs a magic wand.

If your goals are structured along the lines of “have a good relationship,” “stop fighting,” or “get closer to one another,” you may end up frustrated. Why? Because your goal only includes the endpoint, not the work you need to get there. You didn’t go into your relationship seeking to disconnect, argue all the time, or feel distant—the problem is, it happened. Instead of seeking a magic wand to fix everything, set goals that address the work that needs to be done. Change your goals to “attend couples therapy in Littleton every week,” “find a babysitter and commit to date night every Friday,” or “practice taking space when feeling angry” and you’ll see better results!

Mistake #3: Your goal is impossible.

This is a tough one, and it varies from couple to couple. Is your goal truly realistic? Some examples of unrealistic goals include “we will never fight again,” or “I will always keep my cool.” Remember, you and your partner are human! Instead, set reasonable goals, such as “when fights occur, we will take 10 minutes to calm down and reconnect” or “when I lose my cool, I will apologize before we go to bed.” A perfect goal is often “failed” very quickly, but a realistic one can help you keep growing and improving together. The SMART acronym (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely) can help you to make a realistic goal!

For more help setting goals, making change, creating accountability, and connecting to those you love most, set up an appointment with a skilled couples therapist in Littleton. Dr. Lazarus has helped couples to quickly see eye to eye, solve conflict productively, and grow closer in their marriages.

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A Tale of Two Households: The Importance of Consistency

Child psychologists help families navigate all sorts of challenges, especially those dealing with helping children to grow and develop as well as possible. When parents divorce, this can be twice as much work, because there are twice as many households! Most children do have a challenge with this process, but clear communication, consistent expectations, and predictability can spell success—no matter if parents like each other or not. Read on to find why having consistency between homes is important for your child’s well-being.

Structure and Time

Here’s a common situation that divorced parents face all the time: You go to pick your children up from your ex’s house at 10 a.m. on Sunday, only to find that they are all still asleep. After a chilly wait in the driveway, the kids come out, bleary-eyed, to share their exciting stories of staying up all night the night before. By the way, they haven’t eaten, all their clothes are dirty, and nobody has homework done. When you ask your ex, you hear “when they’re with me, we do laundry and homework on Sunday nights and it works.” What to do? There is no “right” structure, just what is “right” for your family. However, when kids report widely changing bedtimes, meal times, and not enough time to complete homework, the adults need to build in more structure. Sleep hygiene is just as important  as getting math practice in, so work together to find something that works for everyone.

Rules and Expectations

If you’ve divorced, you’ve probably heard the scream of “but Mom says I can!” or “we do it this way at Dad’s house!” at least once. Your kids are right to be upset—they thought they were playing by the rules, and all of a sudden, they changed! Imagine driving down a highway that had a speed limit of 55 mph for years and suddenly, without notice or changing the signs, you get pulled over for speeding, because in a certain section of the road, the speed limit is only 40 mph. You’d be outraged! This is how kids feel when rules and expectations change suddenly, and instead of taking responsibility and correcting their behavior, they are more likely to become angry or defiant. Help by setting common rules between households, especially for important rules around safety, hygiene, and success at school .

Calm and Anxiety

Human beings love to know what is coming next. This is even more true for kids, as they have very little control over their lives—for young children, often the most they can do is choose how they respond. So a predictable household and house swap will set him or her up for success by reducing anxiety and promoting calm. Even very young children may benefit from picture-coded or color-coded calendars to see when they will be with mommy, when they will be with daddy, and how much time is in the middle. Likewise, knowing that school, meals, playtime, church, soccer, and other activities will happen no matter where the child is at can help him to feel more secure.

Navigating shared custody after a divorce is always a challenge, but by working together and keeping the child in mind, you can do it successfully! If you need more help or support, consider working with a Littleton child behavior psychologist on strategies .

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Handling Relationship Stress During The Holiday Season

If there is a time to make or break a tense relationship, it’s the holiday season! This means different things for everyone, but whether you are planning on a busy work season, busy family time, vacation, or just the regular grind, this can be a challenging time of year. For couples who are struggling in their relationships, this can be even more devastating. Fortunately, your trusted couples psychologist in Highlands Ranch knows how to help! Read on to find out great ways to manage relationship stress during the holiday season.

Do have fun!

The holidays should be fun, so set yourself free to enjoy! This is a perfect time of year to enjoy vacation time from work, play in the snow, or start a family tradition that will last for years to come.

Don’t overbook.

In between fun, you need rest! If you feel like you need a vacation from your holiday break (and everyone who is with you), consider scheduling some down time to rest, relax, or even take back some time for yourself.

Do share gratitude.

The holidays remind many people about the importance of gratitude, so show it in your personal life! Whether you are telling your husband how grateful you are for a deep conversation, complimenting your wife’s handiwork on holiday projects, or just happy to be spending some time with someone, let them know! You’ll feel better as well.

Don’t criticize.

The flipside to gratitude? Keep criticisms to yourself, especially if they are not actionable. For example “please remember to take off your boots before coming inside since it’s snowy out” is a much more actionable statement than a critical “quit messing up the house and being a slob!”

Do spend time alone.

Alone time is important for each partner in a relationship to recharge, reconnect with him- or herself, and be ready to engage fully again. Grant yourself permission to take time alone, set effective and loving boundaries , and then check out the last step.

Don’t ignore each other.

This one seems obvious, but many couples who seek couples counseling in Highlands Ranch choose to avoid problems in the relationship by avoiding each other. This is an effective short-term strategy, such as if one partner is frustrated, but in the long-term, it only makes you grow further apart. Spend time together doing something you love this holiday season!

While every couple struggles with relationship challenges at some point, others are at a stage where it may ruin their relationship entirely. Don’t let it get to this point! If you and your partner need help seeing eye to eye , contact Dr. Steve Lazarus, Psychologist in Highlands Ranch, to start solving problems today!

 

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How A Learning Evaluation Helps Your Child

Now that the school year has officially kicked off  and gotten into the regular swing of things, it is likely that you have already met with your child’s teachers at least once to see how he or she is doing at school. For psychologists in Littleton, fall and early winter can be busy times, because this is the time when teachers and parents are starting to notice any challenges that children may have with learning. If you’re wondering if your child should have a learning evaluation by a professional psychologist, consider these important benefits.

Understand performance. The most important benefit that a learning evaluation will provide you, your child, and his or her teachers, is a full understanding of performance. For example, a professional may find that your child’s performance is stronger in some areas than others, which can explain why only some subjects are a struggle.

Identify areas of strength. Speaking of strengths, helping your child to understand her strengths is an important tip. Even when children are frustrated with challenges in one area, knowing that they are doing well in another area can help them to learn ways to work around less-developed areas. For example, a child who is struggling to develop early letter skills may harness her strong visual-spatial skills to remember how the “b” and “d” form a visual “bed” when the word is written.

Develop a plan to combat weaknesses. No learning evaluation is complete without an effective plan to address weaknesses. This may be the time when your child’s learning evaluation reveals a learning disorder, challenge in executive functioning, or an associated challenge such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)  or other underlying mental health concerns. By knowing what the challenges are, you and your child can work with a behavior psychologist in Colorado to develop a plan for success.

Feel better. When your child isn’t able to access learning as easily as his peers, he knows there is something “wrong.” Make sure he never thinks that there is something “wrong” with him by explaining the great plan you will come up with based on the results of the learning evaluation.

Dr. Lazarus has worked with many children and adolescents, providing evaluation and treatment of common learning, attention, and mental health concerns so they can show the world their best side. To find out your child’s learning strengths and weaknesses, find a skilled psychologist in Littleton today!

 

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How to Set Effective Boundaries During the Holidays

The fall and winter holidays are upon us, and many people have visited their trusted psychologist in Littleton to ask “how can I set boundaries with my relatives?” You love your family (at least, most of them!), and you want to have a good time with relatives during the holiday season , but how can you accomplish this feat at the busiest time of year while still having time for yourself? Read on to find out about why boundaries are important, how to set them, and how to stick to them.

Boundary suggestions

One of the biggest complaints that people bring to counseling in Highlands Ranch is that they do not have enough time to do all the things their visitors want to do, take care of family and household, and maybe keep up with work, especially for busy professionals. For this reason, setting boundaries on your time and energy is important. For example, letting grandma know that you’d love to go shopping with her, but you are expected to be at work until 3 p.m., is perfectly reasonable. Likewise, if you are invited out, consider it perfectly fine to mention to your party that you will need to leave by a certain time to meet other obligations. Other good ideas for boundary-setting include how far or long you can drive (safety concern!), how much time you can socialize versus taking time for yourself (showering, relaxing, connecting with your partner, etc.), and how much you want to spend financially. By knowing yourself, you can communicate these needs effectively.

Why set boundaries?

Just like boundaries in sports games make the game more fun (instead of a wild free-for-all), boundaries make your life better . Many couples struggle when family visits, and find out in couples therapy that both wished they could have spent more time with one another. You are likely to find that you have more energy, less resentment, and genuinely enjoy yourself better. Plus, taking the time, space, and setting the boundaries you need keeps you from burning out and getting angry at your loved ones just for being around you.

What if I feel mean?

For those who are used to meeting everyone else’s needs first, it can be easy to feel mean or harsh when setting boundaries. Here are some examples of responses you can give when someone questions your boundaries:

“Self-care is one of my top priorities so I can be the (dad, sister, friend, granddaughter, grandfather, etc.) I can be.”

“Remember last year when I was grouchy and snappy all day? Time alone makes me nicer.”

“I love hanging out with you, but quiet time is great for the brain. Would you like to borrow a book or some headphones to listen to music?”

“I can’t right now, but I am looking forward to being refreshed when I see you (at the next planned time.”

Remember, you need to put on your “oxygen mask” before assisting others! If you can’t seem to make boundaries stick, considering seeking out an experienced psychologist in Littleton to help!

 

 

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Is Social Media Making You Antisocial?

Imagine a world without social media. Hard, isn’t it? Okay, here’s an easier challenge: Imagine the 1990s! While the same can’t be said for children, most adults these days remember at least a little bit about life before the explosion of social media, so we can exist without it. However, most of us choose not to, and it can have some consequences. Psychologists in Littleton regularly meet with people who want to “break up” social media  and reconnect with people at the same time. Read on to see the pros and cons of social media and how you can do it the best.

Social Media: Cons

It seems like everyone hates on social media these days, so let’s start with all the reasons why! First up is privacy—or lack thereof. Does everyone on your feed really need to know all those details? Unless you have very carefully customized groups and filters set up, you’re probably oversharing. This can come back to bite later, and can be frustrating when you get “leaked.” Even if you’re careful, many big social media companies have been accused of privacy violations in the past few months. Further, research has found that people who use social media more tend to be less connected, not more, and to feel less lonely. Unlike other relationships, where friendships, intimate relationships, and more often cross, relationships on social media often only have one point of contact… break it, and the relationship is off.

Social Media: Pros

This is not to say that social media is all bad! In fact, when people use it in certain ways, such as to connect with family, friends, or contacts from whom they are very far, it can improve socialization and make people feel less lonely. Some use social media to find groups to spend time with in real life, and some simply cannot get out much due to physical or mental illness or transportation limits. Social media has helped thousands of people reconnect after many years, and some have found close family and friends on these sites.

How to Find Balance

Remember, social media is a tool. Just like you can’t use your hammer for everything, you can’t use social media for everything, either. Pay close attention to where your attention goes—are you ignoring real, caring people right in front of you to engage in “connections” that may or may not be real on social media? Are your kids following in your social media footsteps  and appearing stuck on these sites or apps? Are you giving up time at work, self-care, or time with family to spend time on social networking sites? If so, evaluate the rest of your relationships and see if you can find balance anywhere. For help, a psychologist in Littleton can help you sort through these issues, and if social media is affecting your relationship, you can find help through couples therapy. Contact Dr. Steve Lazarus today to get started.

[AC1]https://www.drstevenlazarus.com/2013/07/29/the-electronic-free-zone/

 

[AC2]https://www.drstevenlazarus.com/2017/06/06/a-parents-guide-to-social-media/

 

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Tired? How Sleep Helps Your Mental Health

We hear it all the time: “I’m just so tired!” or “I didn’t sleep well” or “I was up too late last night.” While it is popular and sometimes useful to burn the midnight oil, psychologists in Littleton know that sleep should not be considered a luxury. In fact, it is an important part of your physical and mental health, and helps you to be ready to manage a challenging or stressful day . Read on to find out why sleep should be a priority.

Think Faster. Do you ever feel like time speeds up in the afternoon? The clock tells you it doesn’t, but it seems like time is going faster because your brain is moving slower. In fact, after about 18 hours without sleep, your response time drops to about the performance of someone who is legally intoxicated! For the fastest thinking, make sure to rest up.

Think Better. Maybe you don’t want to think at lightning fast speeds, but you do want to make good decisions, right? When you don’t get enough sleep, your brain struggles to do just this. Tired brains are more likely to miss details and connections, choose impulsively, or forget important information. For the best brain performance, make sure to give it plenty of rest!

Improve Mood. Ever find yourself feeling snappy, irritable, and miserable after a long day at work? You may not want to admit it, but you might be acting like a cranky toddler. We know that cranky toddlers do better after a nap, and the same is true for cranky adults. If you feel like nothing is going your way, but everybody is in your way, ask yourself if you are truly rested and energized for the day.

Sleeping can be a challenge for any busy professional, but most find that they can find restful sleep by practicing good sleep hygiene  techniques. For some, sleep is almost impossible to get. If you struggle with restless nights and lack of sleep, you may benefit from counseling in Highlands Ranch. You can improve your life, improving your sleep! Contact Dr. Steve Lazarus today to get started.

 

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