Dr. Steven Lazarus is an expert child psychologist and teen psychologist in Littleton, CO. This page is dedicated to giving parents different parenting strategies in their work with their children and teenagers.

,

How Much is Too Much: Parents Guide to Video Games

An Ohio teen collapses and is rushed to the hospital after a four-day gaming stint leaves him severely dehydrated. An 18-year-old dies when he develops a blood clot after playing “Diablo 3” for 40 hours straight.

While these examples may be extreme, for some kids, gaming becomes more than just a hobby. Ninety-nine percent of boys and 94 percent of girls play video games on a regular basis, according to a study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. Of these, recent studies place the number of youths that engage in pathological — or problem — gaming at 8.5 to 15 percent. Many parents find themselves asking, “How much is too much?” This parents guide will help you determine if your child is spending too much time gaming.

Video Game Addiction

Pathological gaming shares a number of characteristics with addictive behaviors like gambling or drug abuse, such as personality changes and cravings. However, while some kids can spend a lot of time playing video games without affecting other areas of their lives, other children get “hooked” and experience a significant impact.

Researchers have identified several characteristics and traits that seem to contribute to a higher risk of pathological gaming. These include:

  • Starting to play at a young age
  • Playing video games for more than 19 hours per week
  • Lack of social competence
  • Lack of impulse control
  • Low levels of empathy for others
  • Low self-esteem
  • Few friends
  • Family history of addiction
  • Exhibits thrill-seeking behavior

For many kids, the lure of gaming lies in the ability to become someone else in the game; a shy, awkward teen with few friends can feel dominant, popular and attractive in the virtual world of a game. The allure of this fantasy world simply becomes more appealing than reality.

Warning Signs

If you’re concerned that your child may be spending too much time playing games, keep your eyes open for these warning signs.

  • Lack of interest in any activities other than gaming
  • Talking about games constantly
  • Playing for increasing amounts of time
  • Dropping friends and activities that aren’t related to gaming
  • Lying about or hiding how much time is spent gaming
  • Feeling irritable or anxious when they’re forced or try to disconnect
  • Decreased grades and school performance
  • Sneaking to play games, such as after bed or after being told not to play
  • Staying up late to play games and sleeping in the daytime
  • Experiencing cravings when they’re away from the game
  • Ignoring personal hygiene and skipping meals to play
  • Playing for more than 19 hours per week
  • Throwing tantrums or acting violently when forced to stop playing (Known as “Rage Quitting”)

Research indicates that addictive gaming behaviors tend to be more pronounced when kids play online, role-playing games that involve multiple players. Dr. Lazarus, a child psychologist, suggests that parents limit video games to no more than two hours per day, and keep a close eye on gaming behaviors. School work, chores, sports, and other social activites should always be a higher priority and completed before video game time.

If you’re worried that your child is spending too much time gaming, therapy with a child psychologist can help. Dr. Steven Lazarus, a child psychologist in Littleton, CO, can help your family work though these issues together through parent consultation and individual therapy which you child.

 

Sources:

usatoday30.usatoday.com/tech/gaming/story/2012-08-08/modern-warfare-3-teen-collapses/56869220/1, http://www.technewsworld.com/story/52916.html http://www.nbcnews.com/id/19354827/#.Ujn93eChDzI, http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/05/tech/gaming-gadgets/gaming-addiction-warning-signs/index.html, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/, http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2011/01/17/video-game-addiction-tied-to-depression-anxiety-in-kids, http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/2/e319.full

/0 Comments/by
,

Dating after a divorce: How long should I wait to have them meet my child?

I am often asked as a child psychologist, “How long should a parent wait before having their child meet a new significant other?”

In speaking from the perspective of a child psychologist who has been working with kids dealing with divorce for many years, here are my thoughts:

1) Kids need time to adjust to the separation and divorce situation. They have a lot of different emotions they are going through. They need both parents to be present for them to help them understand and adjust to their new situation.

2) Parents need time to work through the legal and emotional aspects of a divorce. They are doing themselves a disservice if they too quickly begin dating someone else. The research says that it takes 1-2 years for an adult, whether the one who choose to end the relationship, or the one who may have not had a choice, to heal, understand, and grow the ending of the relationship.

3) If the kids are now seeing each parent ½ of the time, this is a loss for them. If there is then another adult involved in their life, they are actually losing more quality 1/1 time with that parent.

4) When a parent starts dating another person and the child is exposed to this relationship, it is very confusing for them. They don’t know if they are betraying the other parent by not liking them, or by liking them and enjoying spending time with them. They aren’t sure what to call them. It also creates feelings of JEALOUSY and ANGER/ RESENTMENT because in their perception, they have picked that adult over them, or over the other parent. This put the child in an emotional conflict.

5) When kids are struggling emotionally, they tend to either keep it in, which hurts their self-esteem and may cause health and sleep problems. Other kids will act out. They may choose to act it out at home toward to other adult, toward the parent who is dating, or towards the parent at the other house. They may have a decline at school, or regress to behaviors they did when they were younger. They tend to also get CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the parents conflict, which has been shown to be one of the most harmful things that can happen to kids.

6) If a parent does choose to date someone else, there is nothing wrong with this. I encourage them to work through their divorce issues, and when healthy and ready to date, DO THIS ON THEIR OWN ADULT TIME. You have built in time now when you don’t have your kids, use this time to do adult stuff, work extra hours so you have more time with the kids, do errands so you can spend quality time with the kids, date others and do adult outings, build your adult support system.

 

Recommendations:

1) Don’t have a child meet a significant other for 6 months to a year after the legal divorce.

2) When it is clear that the relationship is strong and going to make it long term, slowly being to spend a bit of time with the child. Don’t overdo it, and perhaps make it their choice depending on their age.

3) BEFORE having the kid meet the other adult, it is polite and courteous to let the other biological parent know you will be doing this. Then they are not caught off guard when the kid starts talking about their weekend with the other adult/ and their kids.

4) Watch for warning signs that the child is not ready for these meetings. Increased jealousy, anger, emotionality, trouble at school, and especially becoming very clingy and anxious when not around the parent.

5) Build and continue to develop collaborative parenting. With young kids, you have a lot of years left of having to discuss and deal with your children. Learn to work together and keep your kids as your number 1 priority.

 

Dr. Steven Lazarus is a child psychologist in Littleton, Colorado. He has a specialty in working with children and parents before, during, and after divorce.

/0 Comments/by

123 Magic Parenting Workshop

123 magic graphic new

Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
Presented by Dr. Steven Lazarus

Certified 1-2-3 Magic Trainer

This is a 3 hour parenting workshop that is offered intermittently by Dr. Lazarus

A humorous look at parenting, a serious look at discipline.
In this 3 hour workshop you’ll learn how 1-2-3 Magic breaks down the task of
parenting into three straightforward jobs:

Job #1

Controlling Obnoxious Behavior Issues: Learn an amazingly simple
technique to get the kids to STOP doing what you don’t want
them to do (whining, arguing, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.).

Job #2

Encouraging Good Behavior: Learn several effective methods
to get your kids to START doing what you do want them to
do (picking up, eating, going to bed—and staying there!,
chores, etc.).

Job #3

Strengthening Your Parent-Child Relationship: Learn powerful techniques
that reinforce the bond between you and your children.

Please Contact Dr. Steve to Register at www.drstevenlazarus.com

 

/0 Comments/by
,

The Electronic Free Zone

As a child psychologist, I am encountering more questions about electronics every day.

“Is my child addicted to electronics?”

“Do electronics harm kids?”

“Do they cause ADHD?”

I recently took a family vacation to the San Juan Islands off the coast of Washington. Not only was it a beautiful trip but a wonderful thing happened there. We had no cell phone service! We had no email! We had no video game system or Ipad with us!

The question I have not been asked is: “Do my own electronics harm my relationship with my kids?”
Without the technology constantly texting, checking emails, watching TV, watching my kids play video games or games on their devices, we needed something to do. Instead of sitting at the pool watching my kids play while I checked emails, I played in the pool too. Instead of watching something worthless on TV at night, we played family games. Instead of sitting inside on a beautiful day, we went hiking, sailing, and running.

We were able to reconnect as a family.

Lessons learned:

1) Don’t ever let TV and electronics be a substitute for the quality time you can spend with your kids.

2) Take out a good old fashioned board game. They are really fun!

3) My kids discovered that books are actually pretty good if they don’t have games to play.

4) Have time that is electronic free time every day not only for your kids but model it as parent.

5) Ask yourself what would happen if you actually stepped off the grid of electronics for a bit and what else you could be doing with your time?

6) My exercise was improved when I did not listen to music, watch a TV screen at my club, or stop and check a text or email.

People with cell phones are more available than ER doctors. We respond to texts and facebook posts at dinner with friends, when we are reading a story with our kids, and even when we are driving a car!

Take some time each day to spend quality time with your kids and detox from electronics. There are so many fun things to do without them getting in our way.

/0 Comments/by
, ,

How Therapy Dogs Help Children with Reading

Did you know that dogs can help your child both improve their reading skills and learn to love reading in the process? If your child struggles with reading, consider tutoring with a terrier!

Just ask the kids at B.F. Kitchen Elementary School in Loveland; they’ve been reading to Copper, a golden retriever, since 2011, thanks to the school’s Reading Retriever program — and the results speak for themselves.

This specially trained dog works one-on-one with struggling young readers, providing a supportive, friendly reading buddy who never, ever judges a mispronounced word or run-on sentence. Kids say that having Copper around lifts their spirits, making them feel more confident and excited to read — and results from other schools, libraries and tutoring programs with therapy dogs back this up.

In fact, a study from Tufts University suggests that reading with dogs offers a host of academic, social, physiological and psychological benefits for children, such as:

  • Higher self-esteem and autonomy
  • Reduced stress and lower blood pressure
  • Increased language use
  • Improved social interactions
  • Longer, more sustained focus
  • Better attitude toward school and learning
  • Reduced loss of reading skill over summer vacation
  • Improved reading ability

Libraries, schools and even universities across the country are taking advantage of the benefits of therapy dogs. In Colorado, programs that incorporate reading and therapy dogs are growing more popular, with organizations such as Denver’s Therapy Dogs of Boulder County, Denver Pet Partners, Have Paws Will Travel in Arapahoe County, Aurora’s Wagging Tales, and Paws to Read in Colorado Springs. Even reading to a family pet can help struggling readers to improve their skills and feel more confident.

Reading ability impacts all areas of academic achievement, so building your child’s confidence and skill is essential. Sometimes, a little extra help — from a therapy dog or a professional — can make all the difference. If you’re seeking a child psychologist in the Littleton area, Dr. Steven Lazarus — and his certified therapy dog Zeke — can help your family work through issues together.

/0 Comments/by

Instilling Responsibility In My Child, Star Sheets and Reward Systems

As a child psychologist, I am often asked, “How do I instill responsibility in my child?”

If you have often wondered:

  • Why is my child missing homework
  • Why do I have to remind him each day to brush his teeth.
  • Why does she forget her coat
  • Why don’t they clean up their toys and room
  • How do I get him to stop arguing

One of our jobs as parents is to help our children become more responsible and independent. This is certainly related to their age, as we would expect a child in middle school to be much more responsible than a 4 year old. However, we can help children of all ages become more responsible and independent. One of the reasons why kids are not responsible is that we remind them. We are like their surrogate brain or secretary, reminding kids daily of all the things they have to do. This allows them to not need to think. We also often will threaten them with consequences for not cleaning their room, making messes, and forgetting things. Then we don’t follow through on the consequences.

The key is to do two basic steps:

Step 1: For kids 4-11, create a Star Sheet.

A Star sheet is a grid that has things they need to get done going up and down, and the days of the week going across.

Example: Mon Tue Wed Thur Fri Sat Sun

Brush my teeth

Make my bed

Set the table for dinner

In this example, the child can earn 3 stars a day. They can also earn up to 21 stars a week. During the day, you can remind your child to check their star sheet and see what they need to complete, instead of asking them, “did you brush your teeth.” For kids who can’t read yet, you can draw pictures for each item on the list.

Step 2: Create a reward system that is attached to the stars.

Daily Privileges: Now that you have your star sheet, make of list of privalages that your child enjoys and also right now gets for free. Examples of daily rewards could include TV time, video game time, Ipad/ computer time, special toys, special snacks (ice cream), etc.

Some of these privileges will be attached to the daily star sheet. When your child completes the items for the day, they earn the privilege. If they do not complete them, they do not earn the privilege for the day.

Weekly Privileges: Now make a list of some bigger (weekend) privileges that your child could earn. Examples could include: Allowance, earn a special toy (match box car), go to a movie, bowling, earn a sleepover with a friend, special desert when you go out to eat, etc.

Figure out how many total stars they can earn. Now calculate 80%. If they earn that amount, they earn the weekend privilege. So for example, if Monday-friday, your kid could earn a total of 15 stars, about 12/15 would earn the weekend privileges.

As your child gets better at the items you have picked for your star sheet, feel free to change them to the next things they need to work on. Generally, I recommend that you have something about school on the star sheet, something about a behavior you want them to work on, and something about hygiene/ household.

Hopefully, you’ll have your child working hard to earn their privileges instead of getting them for free and you will see increased responsibility and improved behavior.
Stay tuned to more on developing Star sheets.

/0 Comments/by

Teens and Social Media: Parent Guide to Preventing and Protecting Your Kids From Unhealthy Social Media Use

In my last two posts, we discussed the prevalence of social media use amongst today’s teens and how parents can recognize the warning signs of excessive or unhealthy use. It’s simply a fact of modern life that teens — and tweens — are using more digital technology, and this trend isn’t likely to diminish anytime soon. Though platforms such as social media and texting offer a number of benefits when used appropriately, some teens may engage in unhealthy use.
From sexting to cyberbullying, online predators to addictive use, here’s a parent guide to help both prevent unhealthy social media use and protect your children when they’re online.
Awareness
Parental awareness is essential to ensuring that your child’s social media use remains healthy and appropriate. Educate yourself about the different types of social media out there, and especially as to which ones your child is involved with.
The best way to learn about these technologies is first hand; creating your own social media accounts and profiles allows you to thoroughly understand both the platform itself, as well as how it can be used. When you have your own accounts, you can “friend” your child, thus allowing you to monitor their online activity.
Education
Teach your children about the importance of maintaining online privacy. Many teens may not fully understand how important it is to keep personal details such as addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, photos and even personal communications private. Not only can unscrupulous individuals use personal information to commit identity theft, many sexual predators lurk online and take advantage of unsuspecting youth.
Along with keeping personal information private for safety’s sake, help your child understand that once they post something online, whether a photo or written text, it’s almost impossible to “take it back” or control its spread, even if online privacy settings are set to “high.” Compromising pictures or language may be viewed by school administrators, law enforcement officials, college admissions departments, and potential employers. As a general rule, teach kids that they should only post something that they are comfortable with everyone seeing.
Communication
Above all, keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your kids about social media use — not just the potential dangers, but the potential benefits, too. A study by the California Adolescent Health Collaborative found that teens whose parents talked to them “a lot” about social media tended to have a greater concern with online privacy and be less likely to:
• Share personal information and photos
• Have a public profile
• Talk to or meet with people they only know online.
Action
In additional to opening the lines of communication, parents can take specific actions to limit unhealthy social media usage. These include:
• Keeping computers in public parts of the home, rather than in kids’ bedrooms
• Requiring that your child “friend” you on any social media sites they use
• Setting time limits for computer and cell phone use
• Checking your child’s phone records and computer history regularly
• Treating social media use or online gaming as a privilege to be earned
• Encouraging your child to engage in other, non-screen-related activities
• Acting as role models of responsible social media use
Every parent wants their child to use social media appropriately and safely, but sometimes making that goal a reality poses a real challenge. That’s where professional help can make the difference. Dr. Steven Lazarus, a teen psychologist in Littleton, can help your family work through these issues together.

Please See Previous Blogs on this topic

Teens and Social Media: What Parents Need to Know Part I

Teens and Social Media: Warning Signs Part 2

 
Sources:
http://www.onguardonline.gov/articles/0012-kids-and-socializing-online
http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Talking-to-Kids-and-Teens-About-Social-Media-and-Sexting.aspx
http://www.stlouischildrens.org/articles/kidstoday/understanding-teen-internet-addiction
http://jbrpsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/SocialMediaAug2011.pdf
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/socialmediasociallife-final-061812.pdf
http://www.parentednet.org/social-media-safety

/0 Comments/by

What do I do when my child refuses to go to time out?

What do I do when my child refuses to go to time out?

Your child is in trouble and you’re using the time out to get them to calm down. If they refuse their time out, they are basically getting a second offense. You need parenting strategies to help here. What do I do next?

If I were to be speeding in my car and a police car pulls up and puts on its lights, I have two choices. 1) I can pull over and take the consequence for speeding. 2) I can refuse to pull over and try to outrun the car (Very poor choice!) When a kid is sent to time out, they also have a choice. They can go to time out and work their way out of this, or they can try to refuse, creating a much larger consequence. Remember, if you are using 1-2-3 magic, you already gave them 2 chances to not have a time out!

This behavior shows me that your child needs “practice” taking time outs. They are not good at taking them. As a consequence for the refusal and when they are CALM, they can practice taking 3 good time outs. Then tell them, “Good, now you know how to do time outs. I hope the next time your are sent to a time out, you do it this way. Otherwise, we will need to do more practice.”

If they are small enough, you can choose to bring them to their time out or hold them in a “bear hug hold” until they are calm. Don’t continue to engage in a power struggle with them when they are angry, telling them that if they don’t go to a time out, they will get (insert bigger and bigger consequences here). This just will make you more angry and your child will escalate. Instead:

  • Ignore them.
  • Don’t talk to them!
  • Don’t engage in any interaction until they go take their time out.

Again, they did not do a good time out, so when you and they are calm, they will need to work off their choice to refuse the time out. They can practice and get better at making the choice to not have a time out in the first place.

See Time-outs for Children blog for more on how to use time outs effectively with kids, ages 2-12.

Dr. Steven Lazarus is a child psychologist in Littleton, Colorado.

/0 Comments/by

Teens and Social Media: Warning Signs Part 2

In my last post, I explored the prevalence of social media use among teens. A 2011 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that using social media is one of today’s teens most common activities; the statistics may surprise you. The study found that:

  • 22% of teens log on to the favorite social media site more than 10 times a day
  • Over 50% log on to at least one social media site more than once daily
  • 75% of teens who have their own cell phones
  • 54% use cell phones for texting
  • 25% use cell phones for social media

We’ve all read stories in the news about teens who’ve been cyberbullied, sexually exploited and otherwise harmed online, as well as cautionary tales about teens who’ve grown addicted to social media. Given the extent of digital technology use among youth, many parents are asking “How much is too much?” At what point does the social media environment become negative or even unhealthy?

These warning signs can help parents determine if your teen’s social media use is healthy — or veering out of control. Look for:

  • Decreasing grades
  • Withdrawal from face-to-face social activities, skipping dinner, and neglecting homework in favor of social media
  • Texting at inappropriate times, such as dinner or after lights out
  • Fatigue or sleep problems
  • Secret profiles on Facebook or email
  • Texting/ Facebooking people not on the approved list
  • Depression and low self-esteem
  • Weight gain or loss

Cyberbullying

One of the most common forms of social media misuse, as many as 16% of high school students experience cyberbullying, or bullying that takes place through electronic media such as offensive texts, rumor-spreading emails, embarrassing photos, cruel Facebook posts, or even the creation of fake profiles. Cyberbullying is particularly insidious, because it can take place at anytime, anywhere — and there’s very little your child can do to stop it.

Victims of cyberbullying are more likely to:

  • Avoid going to school
  • Use alcohol and drugs
  • Have poor grades
  • Experience health problems
  • Have low-self esteem
  • Experience depression and anxiety

Addiction

Though teens addicted to online media may not display physical withdrawal symptoms, the issue does involve dependence on technology in a way that’s unhealthy. If your teen is spending eight or more hours a day on social media or interactive gaming activities, it may be time to seek help. Other warning signs of addiction include:

  • Lack of sleep
  • Neglecting school work
  • Suicidal, violent or otherwise inappropriate behavior when social media is withdrawn

In part 3, we’ll discuss what parents can do to prevent and protect against unhealthy social media use.

Dealing with parenting issues such as social media use can be a challenge; professional intervention can make all the difference. If you’re seeking a licensed teen psychologist in Littleton, Colorado, Dr. Steven Lazarus can help your family work through these rough patches together.

Be sure to see part 1:

Teens and Social Media: What parents need to know

 

Part 3

Teens and Social Media: Parent Guide to Preventing and Protecting Your Kids From Unhealthy Social Media Use

Sources:

http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Talking-to-Kids- and-Teens-About-Social-Media-and-Sexting.aspx

https://www.inpatientdrugrehab.org/cyberbullying-substance-abuse/

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/4/800.full

http://jbrpsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/SocialMediaAug2011.pdf

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/socialmediasociallife-final-061812.pdf

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/youth-and-tell/201105/how-the-social-network-is-changing-teen-victimization

http://www.parentednet.org/social-media-safety

/0 Comments/by
,

Teens and Social Media: What Parents Need to Know Part I

 

Ever feel like your teen spends more time typing into their digital device than actually talking with — or spending time with — actual, live people? If you do, you’re not alone. The use of social media has boomed over the past few years, leaving many parents shaking their heads and wondering what’s normal — and what’s healthy — when it comes to teen’s digital lives.

When you were a teen, you probably communicated with your peers by talking face-to-face, giving them a call on the phone, or by using a pen and a pencil. Today’s teens live in a very different world; advances in technology and the advent of social media mean that youth are just as likely to be texting, tweeting or communicating through online platforms like Facebook. For some teens, voice mail — and even e-mail — is obsolete!

In fact, a 2012 study from Common Sense Media found that 90% of teens in the U.S. use social media in one form or another. Seventy-five percent have their own profile on at least one social networking site, and one-third of teens visit that site a few times a day… or more.

Given the pervasive nature of social media and technologies such as texting, it’s not hard to see how technology has transformed the ways that teens communicate, as well as how they view the world and themselves. And it’s also easy for parents to wonder exactly how social media affects their child.

Social media’s impact isn’t easily classified as black or white. While some sing its praises, noting the potential for increased creativity and educational applications, others worry about the potential for negative effects on social development and well-being, from online bullying to victimization — and even the fear that kids will transform into texting machines, unable to carry on a normal, face-to-face conversation.

The answers lie somewhere in the middle, and while parents must stay on top of their child’s social media use, it’s also important to accept that this new technology is simply another facet of life for today’s youth. In my next post, I’ll discuss warning signs that social media may be negatively affecting your child.

Dealing with parenting issues such as technology use can be a challenge; professional intervention can help. If you’re seeking a licensed teen psychologist, Littleton therapist Dr. Steven Lazarus is a child psychologist in Littleton, Colorado who can help your family work through these issues together.

Be sure to read part two:

Teens and Social Media: Warning Signs Part 2

 

Source:

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/socialmediasociallife-final-061812.pdf

 

/0 Comments/by