Child psychologists in Highlands Ranch hear the same complaint every day: your child can’t seem to focus on his homework or chores for more than 5 minutes, but can spend endless time working toward the next level on his video game! How are video games so motivating, and what can parents, educators, and counselors learn from them?

Video Games Don’t Punish—And Neither Should You

Bad news from science: punishment doesn’t work. It doesn’t help a person learn how to do a task, doesn’t meaningfully reduce unwanted behaviors, and increases the risk of the person disengaging or becoming rebellious. If a video game punished a player for losing, more players would “rage quit” than continue to play. So what do game designers do instead? Video games today usually use the term “respawn” or “go back to a previous checkpoint.” In real life, this looks a lot like “try again.” Your child may be frustrated to hear that her character has perished and must now “respawn at the last checkpoint,” but she’s still motivated to keep trying—all day and night! You can use some of the same principles to shape behavior.

Child Psychologists Explain Intermittent Reinforcement

If you’ve played any ad-supported phone games lately, you’ve probably noticed the trend to have a “prize of the day” or “lucky wheel” to spin for a free prize. Usually, these prizes are “worth” almost nothing, but there are a few amazing prizes mixed in, like lots of game currency or special abilities. What keeps kids (and adults!) coming back to click these low-reward boxes so often? The principle of intermittent reinforcement. Much like slot machines at a casino, or winnings on lottery tickets, there is a very low barrier to entry and the chance of a very high reward. When that reward does arrive, it’s so big and exciting that it floods the brain with reward chemicals—driving the person to come back again and again. Intermittent reinforcement makes behavior more likely—so make sure you use it to reward good behaviors, not to give in to temper tantrums.

Video Games Borrow Tools From Children’s Play Therapy

When you bring a child to see a play therapist in Highlands Ranch, you can expect the therapist to start out by making each visit as fun and easy as possible. Just like the first few levels of a video game, where “leveling up” is easy and rewards are frequent, your child’s first few play sessions are geared to increase engagement and build positive associations. As play therapy progresses, you may notice that your child’s therapist offers choices and lets your child take the lead—turns out, video game designers took notice of this as well! If you get a chance, observe your child when he first starts playing a video game. Does he go to the battle or race immediately, or check out the boosters? Does he work toward daily goals, or have his own plan? No matter what he chooses, he will see progress in the video game—and he’ll feel pride and ownership because he chose his own course. Any external goals are clearly defined and come with clearly-defined rewards and prizes, so your child can choose what is most important.

Gamification (making things seem more like games) is a tool that has shown good results in the workplace, school settings, business, and marketing—any place where “hard work” can be transformed into “good fun.” Next time you’re struggling to motivate your child, ask yourself how a video game might do it. For more tips and personalized help, call a child psychologist in Highlands Ranch.

Kids cry—a lot. In fact, many parents bring their child to visit a child psychologist in Littleton because they cry so much that it gets in the way of other activities. Does your child’s crying interfere with daily routines, mealtime, school, and recreation? Is the behavior interrupting your marriage? Keep reading to find out the two words you should avoid saying—and what works better instead.

Why Do Kids Cry?

Do you remember being a child? If you can remember your elementary school years or even preschool years, you may remember crying over “little” problems, like a sticker ripping in half instead of coming up neatly, a dropped ice cream cone, or the dreaded torture of clothes that don’t feel right! As an adult, you are so fortunate to have a hundred solutions for each of these problems—including getting in the car, driving to a store, and buying more stuff to fix those problems! Now you probably only cry when you are really injured, when someone breaks your heart, or when something devastating happens to your loved ones—problems that have no solutions. Crying serves a purpose. When kids talk to a therapist about what makes them cry, they describe feeling helpless, frustrated, and powerless when they cry. Think back to before you could leave situations on your own, before you could buy your own supplies before you know how many cool things were in the world—those little things do feel devastating, and having no power to change them feels even worse.

Why This Common Phrase Usually Backfires When Managing Kid’s Emotions

If you were deeply upset, and someone told you “stop crying,” would it work? Most adults can see that if their partner responded to them in this fashion after a loss, that partner would get an earful in return! Just like you, your child doesn’t want to cry. Crying is uncomfortable and can be embarrassing in our society—and it often feels out of one’s personal control. Telling someone to just “stop crying” is like telling them to stop feeling pain after being stung by a bee—we wish it was that simple! When your child is upset and you tell them to stop crying, you’re just piling another failure on their plate.

How To Help Your Child Stop Crying

So what can you do to help your child stop crying? Figure out what the problem was and help them to solve it or accept it. Child and family psychologists in Littleton know that not every problem can be solved, but when it can, you can guide your child to that solution. Help your child externalize the problem by naming it, and don’t hesitate to have a little fun—if your child is melting down over a pair of shoes that just won’t tie, why not throw those “mean shoes” to the back of the closet to be “forgotten forever!” and choose a different pair? If the misery is about a broken item, would your child be interested in taking it to “toy hospital” or shopping online for a replacement? For problems without solutions, focus on helping your child calm down again after expressing sadness for a while. Yes, this means that you’ll have to listen to that crying for a few minutes—but you’ll live! Once your child shows signs that they are ready to listen and move on, speak in soft, soothing tones and help them to regulate their body by encouraging things like “take a deep breath,” “have a sip of water,” or asking if they would like a hug.

It seems intuitive that a direct order to “stop crying” would work, but it often has the same effect as throwing water on a grease fire. Next time your child is crying uncontrollably, remember that you need to address the cause of the fire—or emotional upset—and connect your child with the tools they need to extinguish it. If you need help with this process, or if nothing works to help your child stop crying, visit a child psychologist in Littleton for parenting tools and play therapy.

Making the decision to bring your child to see a child psychologist in Littleton is an important one, and one you have probably considered carefully. After all, you wonder about your child’s future mental health, your parenting strengths, and the costs of those sessions. So if you observe that your child does not talk, or if your child reports “we don’t really talk at therapy,” should you be worried? Is it a waste of time, or is your child getting something out of those sessions? Keep reading for insight into the process of therapy and counseling with kids and teens.

Play Therapy for Pre-School Kids

If your child is very young, such as those in preschool or kindergarten, you may be working with a play therapist in Highlands Ranch, or at least a child psychologist well-versed in play-based therapy. Unlike adult talk therapy, play therapy is all about experience—just like your little one learns! Because children at this age have a limited vocabulary, your child psychologist will work to understand her needs in different ways, such as her actions, facial expressions, and reactions. Every action is communication—words are not always necessary. By celebrating successes, guiding expression, and providing new and different opportunities to approach and solve problems, your child is learning without talking very much.

Therapy for Elementary School Children

This is the age where kids often tell their parents (quite proudly) “we didn’t talk at all today!” That’s because children this age often lack insight into the deeper meanings of things, and may not see the connection between role-playing, pretend play, and other tools used by child psychologists to create behavior change. For a child who is being bullied, talking about it can feel like torture. However, playing a game where all the soldiers in the castle pick on the littlest soldier, only to have that soldier save the day later, can boost confidence and remind the client of his strengths—without all that “talking.” Children will often express their needs through play, such as repeatedly being drawn to toys representing past traumas, current hurdles, or specific emotions.

Talk Therapy For Teenagers

By the time your child is in middle or high school, they’ve probably moved past the toys and games and are ready for what looks like “adult” therapy. But parents can be frustrated to find out that their child spends the session talking about their favorite TV show, the fun they had with their friends, or seemingly “random stuff.” Once again—every action is communication. Exploring the role of feelings and relationships through fantasy (like TV shows or video games) is the big-kid version of playing with toys. It allows the child to explore those things without the real consequences, or to imagine life at its extremes.

When you bring your child or teenager for therapy in Littleton, don’t fixate on “how much” or even “if” they talk. Your child or adolescent psychologist is adept at interpreting communications of all kinds, and changing behavior through interactions. Call today to start seeing change.