Dr. Steven Lazarus is an expert child psychologist and teen psychologist in Littleton, CO. This page is dedicated to giving parents different parenting strategies in their work with their children and teenagers.

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The Parents’ Guide to Staying Sane During Quarantine

Parents are getting hit hard during the worldwide coronavirus outbreak. Most are stuck trying to “work” from home, usually while having kids home from school all day and worrying about aging parents who may need assistance. On top of it all, your favorite relaxation stations are probably shuttered for the next few months—gyms, theatres, sports, even restaurants and bars are becoming less of a home-away-from-home. So how can you maintain your sanity? Here are some tips from your trusted psychologist in Littleton.

Establish a New Routine, but…

While a week off to do nothing and have no plans sounds great if you’re visiting a beach, a week off at home to do nothing and to have all your plans flop around like fish out of water sounds awful! Even if you hate your “daily grind,” the familiar routine benefits you by reducing the number of decisions you have to make at any given moment. Without these constraints, you may find yourself working away until midnight, becoming unproductive, or just feeling constantly overwhelmed. Find your home rhythm and set clear times for work, meals, and family time, just like you would during a busy work week. If you are struggling with lack of work like many Americans, find your new routine—maybe this is the perfect time to help Junior memorize those multiplication tables, or finally tackle that pantry organization project. Setting a clear routine makes your life more predictable and manageable.

… Stay Flexible

At the same time, stay flexible. You can’t do everything, and that’s okay. Maybe some days you don’t put on your work clothes and “log in” by 9 a.m. Maybe you have “the blahs” and cuddle with the kids watching cartoons all day. With all the drawbacks we are facing, the least we can do is find some good in it! Similarly, cut your kids a break. They are more likely to express fear and anxiety through clinging, whining, and pestering, as well as “forgetting” all the basic rules. Show them you support them  through these difficult times.

Say “NO!”

If there are things that feel out of your control, or that you just can’t handle, feel free to say “no.” Setting strong boundaries is important, especially when times are tough, and can help you and your family stay safe. Start by saying “no” to requests to be out and about where you could be sick, and escalate to turning down extra responsibilities that you cannot handle. Prioritize your family and your mental health. Set clear limits, even with your children, because however you set the stage now will likely continue to play out for the next few weeks.

Encourage Independence and Value Alone Time

If your children are school-aged or older, they can entertain themselves for some time. They may argue otherwise, but your job is not to be the village entertainment. Set your child up with independent activities like viewing a favorite show, coloring, reading a book, or playing with toys, and go do what you need to do. This gives you time to decompress, and time to spend with your partner.  

Life will eventually return to normal, but until then, we all need to support ourselves and one another. If you find yourself needing someone outside of the house to talk to, do not hesitate to contact your Littleton psychologist. Set up a telehealth session, or visit in-person in our frequently-sanitized office.

 

 

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5 ways to help your child while they are stuck at home with online schooling.

We all need to work together as families and communities to deal with the current situation, social distancing, and risk of illness.  Here are some ideas for how to be successful with your kids for online schooling.

 

  • Have a consistent sleep schedule

 

Make a consistent bedtime every school night and wake up time in the morning. This is not only important for younger kids but for teens. (maybe it’s a bit later since kids don’t have to be at school so early. Have the kids take a shower, brush their teeth, have a healthy breakfast and get ready for the day.

 

  • Develop a plan for your school schedule

 

Develop a school schedule that allows your kids to remain focused and not get distracted. Perhaps, 9-10am School, 10-1030am, go outside and take a break. 10:30-11:30, school.  Lunch.  Quiet activity or something outside.    Any remaining school.

 

  • Create a distraction free environment

 

Have a computer/ Chromebook set up in such a way that your kids won’t get distracted easily.  Maybe create a quiet workspace.  Perhaps a kitchen table, office set up could be helpful.  Try to turn off on your wifi YouTube and other game sites during school times that could distract your kids.  Be mindful of distractions such as TV, kitchen noises, iPad/ phones. Have kids charge their devices away from their learning areas.  They can’t use their phones during classes at school, they should not have them during classes at home. (some exceptions may apply: such as a group chat for a high school class).

 

  • Get your kids more active

 

Encourage dog walks, shooting hoops, kicking a soccer ball, a short run.  Get outside with your kids. You have a unique opportunity to actually spend more time with them as most of us can’t go to work. Consider it a gift.

 

  • Incentivize getting things done

 

If your kids can do some of their work independently, they are showing great maturity and responsibility.  Their good choices are allowing you to do your work.  Track this on a chart or contract with your kids.(visual).

 

Maybe have a movie night on Friday (at home), grab some ice cream and have an ice cream sundae party.  Have a family game night.  Go for a hike, family bike ride, snowshoe excursion, fishing, make some fresh cookies with them.  Find ways to keep your kids happy, motivated and allow for some opportunities for them to help you and your family.

 

Finally, allow for some more creativity and flexibility in your approach to your kids and home routines.  Maybe some more online (with friends) gaming is allowed at this time. (not too much).  Maybe we can do some more with skype, facetime, webcams to communicate with our friends and families.  Take out those old board games, Legos, and books. Be kind to others.

If I can be of support to your kids or to you as parents during this difficult time, I am available still for face to face meetings in a quiet and safe set up and also am offering virtual (telehealth) therapy.

Dr. Steven Lazarus

You can click here to find out more about Dr. Steven Lazarus, child psychologist

 

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Information for families to help cope with Covid-19

I am putting together a list of resources and good articles to help families with our current situation. Jefferson County just issued a “stay-at-home” order until 4/17/2020.

Dr. Steven Lazarus

 

How to Explain Coronavirus to an Anxious Child

The importance of positive routines

“We Live in the Upside Down Now.” COVID-19 Meets ADHD.
“How am I supposed to manage all these people, plus myself, while we exist through this unprecedented, mostly-home-bound, wacky time?”
“Good enough” is good enough is a start →

Clinical Nutrition Center Treatment Center: Treatment and News

Dr. Lazarus is currently offering live virtual (telehealth) visits for those who are unable to visit in the office.

Click here for more information

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Beat Bullying Blues With These Tips

As long as there have been people, there has been bullying. But just like our other methods of social communication change over time, bullying has evolved to meet today’s needs—moving today’s bully off the playground and onto your child’s smartphone. Many parents find themselves seeking a teenage psychologist to help their child work through bullying issues. No matter what sort of bullying your child is facing, these expert tips can help!
Teasing vs. Bullying
One of the most important things to help young children understand is the difference between teasing (which can be fun, cruel, or somewhere in-between) and bullying. Bullying is a pattern of repeated behavior that puts one person below the other. On the other hand, best friends who tease each other equally about silly comments, questionable fashion, or daily events are usually exploring the healthy boundaries of a relationship. Help your child by asking questions such as “were you laughing when your friend was teasing you, or did it really hurt your feelings?” or “does your friend let you tease him that way?” Keep in mind that bullying is not always active; excluding and shunning others, such as today’s “cancel culture” is devastating for social wellness.
The Bystander Effect
Repeated research has shown that, while kids can stand up for themselves and be assertive to bullies, it doesn’t always work. In fact, even a well-planned, assertive request to stop bullying may cause more bullying! What works better is to turn the social situation against the bully. When a bystander intervenes, including the bully victim’s friends or even uninvolved peers, the bullying is less likely to occur. Bullies “feed” off of the victim’s fear, but also “feed” on the attention they get from others. If they get the message that their “cool” classmates think they are “uncool” because they are bullying, they are more likely to stop. Teach your child to stand up for others!
Don’t Feed the Trolls
Perhaps the most difficult tool to learn for fighting bullies, ignoring is often the best technique. No reaction = no fun, so the bully usually stops. However, your teen may not approve of this option—she doesn’t want to look weak or passive! Instead, try some distraction techniques. If a bully is criticizing your child’s clothing, instead of responding with frustration, encourage your child to give a compliment in return. So, the comment “your shirt is so stupid!” can be met with a simple “okay. I think your shirt is really cool. Where do you buy your clothes?” Most bullies will be so thrown by the unusual response that they will give up—eventually.
Stay Safe
For lower-level bullying, your child can arm herself with strong social skills and tools to cope, respond in ways that don’t increase the bullying, and seek the help of friends. A teenage psychologist or child psychologist in Littleton can help build advocacy skills. However, if your child is ever put in physical danger (hitting, choking, kicking), if he is feeling so harassed he is thinking about hurting himself or others, or if the bullying is sexual in nature, do not hesitate to get the proper authorities involved. This usually starts with the school and the other child’s parents. If you do not get a good response or feel your child continues to be in danger, you have the right to contact police for a more formal resolution—even if the bullying occurs in school.
Bullying isn’t just about playground fights. Help your child grow strong and confident to manage these challenges and feel respected, safe, and supported. For more help, don’t hesitate to contact Dr. Steve Lazarus!

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What Parents Need to Know about “Cancel Culture” in the New Year

If you haven’t heard of one thing (or a hundred others) getting “canceled” in 2019, get ready. The trend is only predicted to grow stronger in 2020! Unlike a few years ago, “canceling” isn’t just what a TV network does for an underperforming show, nor is it the end of a product line. Today, we don’t cancel things, we cancel people. Read on to find out more about the “cancel culture” and how it may be affecting your kids!

A Good Start

Today’s “cancel culture” grew out of a variety of great movements, including those to expose sexual abuse, racism, and political incorrectness. Most people are on board with cutting off attention to a poorly behaving sports player, sexually inappropriate celebrity, or others who are truly violating the rights of others. Many people, previously considered “too big” or “too important” to be subject to criminal charges in the past have been “canceled” in today’s world, showing the public opinion strongly.

A Wild Witch hunt

Like any good thing, cancel culture went a little overboard. Most people now have heard of media shows, politicians, or specific celebrities being “canceled,” and this cancellation is about more than their broadcast rights. Today’s “canceling” is more like the old tradition of shunning—an utter disregard and rejection of the person or entity who is deemed worthy of canceling. There is no “un-canceling”—in cancel culture, mistakes live forever. In private spaces, such as middle and high schools or social media venues, this is often identical to bullying, and heavy amounts of peer pressure  often cause even the kindest of teens to purposefully start excluding or “canceling” their peers, even for minor or pointless things such as saying an off-color comment or simply “not fitting in.”

How to Help Your Kids

Has your teen been “canceled” by bullies? Or, perhaps, are they the valiant leaders “canceling” all their friends? In any case, today’s children need a reminder to focus on empathy, forgiveness, and learning . Even if your child’s best friend said something truly awful, racist, or offensive, ask your child to consider if this has been consistent with their past behavior. If it isn’t a pattern, it may be a better opportunity to share insight and help one another grow. Likewise, if your child has been “canceled,” work make sure that he or she is still safe from bullying, up to and including working with the schools and the parents of the bullying children. Working with a skilled adolescent psychologist in Littleton can help to build self-esteem and communication skills that can prevent these sorts of problems.

Calling others out on their poor behaviors and helping them to recognize and change these behaviors is a worthy goal. Shunning, excluding, and “canceling” friends and family is a manipulative, hurtful tool. Help your child to see the difference and build stronger relationships.

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The Importance of Gratitude This Holiday Season

During the time of year when gifts are being exchanged everywhere one looks, parties are being held, and charity participation is at its highest, the words “thank you” pop up everywhere. As many couples counselors in Highlands Ranch know, gratitude can go much further than the moment, creating lasting benefits for both parties. If you want to deepen your bond with others  and boost your own mood this holiday season, give gratitude a try!

For Them

It seems like common sense, but it is worth repeating: we boost the moods of others when we thank them, and we give positive feedback that makes this sort of behavior more likely in the future. Think about the last time someone was truly grateful to you—and expressed it. You may have felt a little embarrassed if you struggle with confidence, but in general, sentiments of appreciation make people feel appreciated. Their hard work in choosing something that is a perfect fit for you shows, so let them know! Gratitude tip: thank the effort, not the product. “Thanks for the brand new car—I love it!” sends a message that you love the car. “Thank you for custom-ordering my favorite color, having my favorite radio stations pre-set, and knowing me so well you got the perfect features!” sends a message that you love the gift-giver and all their hard work!

For You

Psychology secret: Gratitude does more for the “thanker” than the receiver. When you thank someone or otherwise express gratitude, it cues your brain to focus on the positive. People who express gratitude to others are less likely to report feeling depressed, more likely to report feeling engaged and connected, and have deeper relationships. Gratitude tip: Depth matters. A quick “thanks,” is nice, but some studies have shown that writing approximately a one-page letter to thank someone has even more benefits—for the person doing the thanking. Dust off that old stationary or fire up your email and try writing a long-form thank-you letter to someone you love today!

For More Than Gifts

If you think carefully, you have much to be grateful for, even if the holidays are stressful . If you are reading this post, you are literate—or you have the resources for a screen reader. We often take these things for granted, but when couples seek therapy in Highlands Ranch, we often focus on how these things taken for granted are really things to be grateful for. This holiday season, don’t just give thanks for gifts—thank your partner for being a wonderful mother or father, thank your children for being themselves, thank yourself for making it through another year.

Gratitude can be a wonderful tool to improve your daily mood and relationships with others. However, if these tools aren’t working, consider calling Dr. Steve Lazarus to work through challenges in couples therapy.

 

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These Gifts Build Emotional Skills and Strong Relationships

The biggest gift-giving season of the year is upon us, and that makes many parents wonder “what are positive gifts to give my child this holiday season?” If you’re like the many parents who ask their trusted child psychologist in Littleton about the best ways to help your children grow and thrive, you may be seeking input on some great gift ideas. Check out some great toys and “tools” that can build stronger relationships and improve your child’s communication and emotional expression skills.

Games

Child and teenage psychologists know just how important a game can be in building up a relationship, starting a conversation about a hard topic, or just having fun. Whether your child is interested in classic board games, card games, or even digital games, make sure you pick something collaborative. Group games, role-playing games, and party games are great way to promote social skills and creativity.

Building Sets

Creativity, concentration, and exploration are top-needed skills for the next generation. Help your child develop these with building sets! The classic LEGO blocks are always fun, but don’t forget magnet connections, beads, slime, or anything else where you child gets to create a project and see it through. For the tech-savvy future engineer, digital building experiences can be just as innovative and inspiring!

Experience

For the kid who has too much “stuff,” try a gift of experience! This could be tickets to a movie they’ve been waiting to see, a visit to a skating rink or bowling alley, trip to an escape room, or anything else that captures their interest. For a relationship boost, participate in the experience with your child, or consider a gift to siblings, best friends, or others who could use a closer relationship. What to wrap? Have fun wrapping the tickets in the biggest box you can find, stuff them in a stocking, or including an accessory that tips your child off to the fun that is to come!

Journal

The humble journal, diary, notebook, or sketchbook has had a place in human history since we first put burnt sticks to cave walls. Writing out one’s thoughts and feelings can help to develop language skills, self-control, and reduce anxiety and depression, so start your kids early! For younger kids, it helps to share your own examples of what you write, and encourage both writing and drawing to express feelings.

Feeling prepare for the gift-giving season yet? Remember, even if they don’t seem to notice, the best gift you can give your child is love, attention, and positive parenting. Memories last forever and cost nothing to make!

 

 

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Try These Three Tips for Taming Thanksgiving Tension

Are you ready for the biggest family holiday season of the year? Thanksgiving is coming on the late side this year, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared well in advance! Many people seek couples therapy in Highlands Ranch right before the holiday season, asking their couples counselor questions such as “how can I deal with my mother in law?” “what is an appropriate way to set limits with the grandkids?” or even “how can I escape family Thanksgiving?” If you find yourself wondering these sorts of things, don’t worry—you can tame this Thanksgiving season with a few great strategies . Here are three top tips from your psychologist!

  1. Make plans, but leave them “loose.” One of the biggest challenges during the holiday season is what to do with everyone! Are you a family that loves to spend days in the kitchen preparing food? What about those who aren’t such great cooks? Are you dreading the family football game, where you will inevitably fall on your face? Having activities that suit everyone, or at least a few options, can reduce tension and make everyone more at ease. Try having at least two activities ready at any time, but keep things casual. Leave plenty of room to be flexible and have fun!
  2. Work through your limits and set boundaries accordingly. Boundaries and limits are for you, to make sure you have a good time. When you find yourself wondering “how can I stop this person from making me feel _________” and solving that problem, you have likely set a boundary. This may be for your own health (“sorry mom, I’m only having one slice of pie this year so I don’t feel sick later”) or to protect your loved ones (“sorry nephew, but my kids aren’t allowed to play inside of the oven because I don’t want them to burn up”), but no matter what, you must value your reason and make it clear to the other party why you need it. Don’t feel bad to ask for what you need! When you explain your boundaries to others in this way, they are more likely to be respected. For more help with boundaries, consider talking through challenging situations with your animal assisted therapist in Highlands Ranch, or check out a longer article on setting holiday boundaries.
  3. Find at least one good thing for every bad thing you notice. This is a great perspective-changing exercise, and can even be a fun family game if your family is full of “negative Nancys.” Instead of noticing that the turkey legs burnt and fell off, comment on the deliciously browned and crackly skin. Don’t linger on the watery cranberries, complement the host on the attractive decorations. When your 2-year-old niece launches into a full-out meltdown that makes your ears ring, thank your teens for not fighting with each other this year. This doesn’t mean that unpleasant things aren’t happening, but focusing your attention on the positive will improve your mood and that of others!

If these steps are not enough, or if the stress of the holidays is taking a toll on your marriage, consider working briefly with a couples counselor in Highlands Ranch. This Thanksgiving, enjoy a warm, friendly holiday and share this with others!

 

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Are You Developing This Top-Needed Skill in Your Child?

From specialized preschools to educational apps for toddlers, today’s parents are more concerned with their children’s success than ever. But are these tools teaching the top-needed skill of the future? In most cases, the answer is “no,” but don’t worry—you can help your child develop flexible mental skills that will prepare her for tomorrow’s success, whatever that may look like. The number one anticipated skill needed in the future? Focus! Read on to find expert tips to improve a child’s concentration from a psychologist in Littleton.

Why Concentrate? Can’t We Multitask?

In the modern world where we get hundreds of signals each minute, many ask, why focus on concentration? Isn’t it better to be good at multitasking? In truth, humans are awful at multitasking! It typically takes longer than doing the two tasks at separate times, increases anxiety and frustration, and makes it more likely that you will make mistakes. In fact, when hospital nurses wear clear signs telling others they are busy and not to be bothered, they make up to 70% fewer errors! The same is true for your child.

What Does Concentration Look Like?

Concentration is difficult to define. Many people think of concentration as military focus, fixating on one’s task like a soldier until it is finished. In reality, human ability to concentrate goes up and down, just like your running ability. Sometimes you can “sprint,” at other times, you would benefit from a rest. When your child is concentrated, he is focused mentally and physically, engaged in the task, and thinking a lot—about that task. This state is easily disrupted, and it can take up to 15 minutes to re-engage once concentration is broken! For some kids, wiggling or fidgeting can actually improve mental concentration; for others, a silent, distraction-free environment is a must.

Fun Activities to Build Focus Skills

Now, the real fun! How can you build focus skills in your child? Try these great tips:

Increase mindfulness by playing “I spy” or a variation on the game where each person tries to notice something new.

Play concentration-based games like “memory” cards, hidden object pictures, or turn-taking games.

Read! Reading for just 15 minutes decreases stress and promotes the deep focus that so many kids struggle with today.

Draw. Even tracing a design or copying from a photo builds attention to detail and focusing skills.

Check the basics. Is your child getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and checking out at the annual physical  or well-child exam?

Timers. Little kids love being timed for most things, but even teens may be surprised by how long a task takes. For a science twist, have your child predict whether it will take longer to do tasks at the same time or separately and let science be your answer! Other fun experiments include “homework with cell phone vs without cell phone ” and “getting dressed in the morning with and without music playing.”

Ready to build concentration skills today? Try these great tips! If your child’s concentration challenges are causing distraction, concern with teachers, or if your child feels he just can’t ever focus, consider contact your trusted Littleton child psychologist for further evaluation and strategies.

 

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Could Substance Use Come Between You and Your Partner?

Substance abuse is a major problem that affects about 20 million Americans each year. Could it be coming between you and your partner? Read on to see some scary scenarios and how to handle them.

Picture this: You and your partner have been together since you were in college. You remember many nights spent partying with friends, celebrating the 21st birthday rite of passage, perhaps experimenting with some substances. You took full advantage of your early 20s, sharing excitement and joy and visiting the bars and parties, and then had a wonderful marriage. Now, you’re both in your thirties, and you realize you want to “adult” a little better and start having kids. Is your lifestyle sustainable? How do you change it? You ask yourself, “is it time to call a couples counselor?”

Or, what about this scenario: You and your partner have been together for over a decade, but you notice something seems wrong. Your partner has been withdrawn, distant, and money from the household budget just keeps disappearing. You start being more attentive and realize that empty liquor bottles end up in the trash can outside, but you never saw them in the house. Or maybe you find some paraphernalia from other substances. Is your partner having a mid-life crisis ? You know you have to address this.

One last example: In your golden years, you decide to take up a whiskey-tasting class. You love it so much, you sign up for another, and start trying different cocktails at home. Even when you can’t get the nice stuff, or the fancy mixers to go along with it, you like that warm, fuzzy feeling, and the fact that you don’t remember arguing with your partner when you drink. Before you know it, you realize you are drinking most every day, and you really like the way it feels when you mix your beverages with the painkillers you have from that old back injury. Your partner tells you to cut down, but you think they’re just jealous. You’ve met some new friends at the bar who understand you much better.

Red Flags and White Flags

At any stage of a person’s life, they can be affected by alcohol or drug abuse. Whether you have a history of problem drinking, always have to be the “life of the party,” or love the way that substances help you to escape problems, the line between “social” use and problematic use can be blurry. Unfortunately, it can also come between you and your partner. In some cases, only one partner has a substance abuse concern, which places much of the burden of managing household responsibility  and children on the sober partner. In other cases, both partners are struggling and often enabling each other, trapping one another in a cycle of negative behaviors, arguments, and guilt. You and your partner may not agree on the exact same level of substance use, but when it comes between your marriage, affects your performance at work or as a parent, or causes health concerns, these red flags let you know that you need help! When you reach this point, you may want to work with a skilled couples counselor in Highlands Ranch, as well as a certified addictions counselor. Even if you are not the “patient” (the one with the substance abuse issue), your relationship is undoubtedly affected by substance use, and a therapist can help you to work through the ways that your partnership has been affected.

You don’t have to deal with substance use or abuse alone. If you, your partner, or both are having problems with substance use, there is help available. Working with substance abuse professionals and attending couple’s therapy can break up that relationship with substances and rebuild your relationship with each other. Set up a couple’s counseling session today to reclaim your relationship!

 

 

 

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